Captain writing a Huffpo listicle:— Melissa McCue-McGrath, CPDT-KA (@muttstuff) June 14, 2019
"15 Reasons You Should Let Me Roll In Goose Shit"
Huffington Post - ENTERTAINMENT
15 Reasons You Should Let Me Roll In Goose Shit
By: Captain Love McGrath, Urban Dog Beat ReporterYou know the drill. Your owner gives you a bath and then cuts up the equivalent of 17 hot dogs as some sort of forgiveness tax, but it doesn't work. Dogs have RIGHTS, and I'm here to lay it out, right here, right now why we should - nay - have the RIGHT to roll in goose shit. Humans, listen up, because it's about to get reeeeeaaaaally real all up in here.
- My nose is better than yours: Sure, it smells bad to you, but it doesn't to us. We have a more powerful nose, so we know what a good smell is vs. a bad one. I'll leave you to opening peanut butter jars, you leave the odors to me.
- I'm not doing meth: Seriously. I could be doing doggy meth instead and end up in one of those Florida Dog memes (it's like Florida Man, but with dogs. Look it up).
- Urban dogs need to feel connected to nature: You humans do this by deep meditative breathing and focusing on a photo of a cabin in New Hampshire. I live in the same 600 square foot apartment you do, and I can't see colors (at least, not meaningful ones to you - photos don't do it for me, hunny). I can, however, connect with nature in a different way. By rolling in goose shit.
- Hypocrite: You have goose feathers in your jacket. Why can't I have a little goose in MY coat?
- I Don't Tell You How To Have Fun: I have seen what you call fun. You either stare at a screen, or drink that weird stuff and sing tragically off key to old Cher albums when you think no one is listening. I'm listening. It's offensive to my ears. I can't open the door and leave - because, no thumbs. This is ALL I HAVE.
- Instinct: Sometimes I just see it and I have to have it. I can't explain it. I have no idea what I'm doing, but it's great.
- Geese are tough. I mean, look at how mean these guys are. They take NO guff, not even from cows. COWS. Cows are bigger by like, a million per cent. Furrrrreal.
If I can smell like a goose, maybe they'll be nicer to us when we walk by on our nightly walk. Just sayin'. I'm just trying to save your life by rolling in pieces of feces.
- I have no idea what I'm doing: Are you still reading this? Seriously? I mean, I thought you'd quit at Hypocrite...
- Parasites never hurt anyone:
Wait, actually, they do. Have a gif of BoJack Horseman.
- You have your preferred Goose: I have mine. And it's shit.
- This Simpsons gif: I'm a dog, and typing is hard. Have a Simpsons gif.
- All those times YOU came home smelling of goose: After Merideth's bacherlorette party, after your 30th birthday, after the break up from whats-his-butt-I-think-it-was-Josh? And you came to bed, stinking of it, and I STILL curled up next to you.
I NEVER JUDGED YOU. I roll in one little goose poo, and it's bath time. Sheesh!
- I could resort to other tactics, but choose not to: Like, I was born with a particular set of skills, MAD SKILLZ, and I don't go around using those skills on things you love. But, I could, if I were that kind of dog, use these skills if I didn't get my way. ImmaJustSayin'.
- Whenever I see goose shit, I have feelings. Real feelings. Like, whenever I see goose shit, smell goose shit, it makes my heart go aflutter and I want to scream from the rooftops, "I Love You, Goose Shit! I LOOOOOOOVE YOOOOOOU!"
- But more than anything, I just really want to feel loved in return.
Before you go, check out more Huffpo pieces, like:
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Meet Denver Zoo's Same Sex Flamingo Couple, Lance Bass and Freddie Mercury*
(*actually, the last one is totally real and is super sweet.)